Life is love but what is love?

Life is Love, but what is Love?


By: A.C.R.C.

My life started at age 13. I know we all start at age 0 but for me, before seventh grade it was nothing. I lived in New Jersey and I had fun I can’t say no, but as quick as I moved from New Jersey to New York, my life changed forever. My life changed starting with the fact that from coming from a catholic school with nuns and everything. I changed to a public school. No more uniform, no more ribbons in my hair, and I could use bracelets. Oh! I almost forgot… there were boys. Believe it or not that’s what changed my whole life. Is not that I hadn’t been with a guy before; I actually had a boyfriend back in New Jersey. But here in this public school I had the chance to be with them for six hours of school for the whole year until summer.

I don’t want to brag or anything, but I do have to say a lot of boys wanted me. I could tell a hundred stories about boys telling me I love you, bringing me flowers, trying to kiss me. And I won’t lie, I loved it. My first kiss was quite romantic. I was in drama class, and Liam had to fake kiss me, but when we were presenting to the class he really kissed me. I felt butterflies all over my stomach I thought I would never feel that way again. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

Lucas Greave was the name of the guy that changed my life. The first time I saw him was in the party of a friend, Irma. There were only girls, and from nowhere two guys appeared in the door of the room. I couldn’t stop looking at Lucas. I thought he was different from all the guys I had met until now. He looked like he had a secret that his mind didn’t want to tell, but his heart was reflecting in his eyes that he was dying to tell. I tried to make a conversation with him, but I felt insecure. I am not the kind of girls that struggle when talking to a boy. But with Lucas it was different.

A month after, when I thought I got rid of him I happened to see him in the movie theater. I needed a fake boyfriend; there was a boy that wouldn’t leave me alone, so I told Lucas. He denied at first, but when I took him by wrist he didn’t have a choice. And now that I think about neither did I. That day when I went to see Poseidon, I felt in love with Lucas Greave.

Still, I can only say nothing happened until two years later. This was really weird for me. Not to have him, after having tons of boys chasing me, it was frustrating not to have the one I wanted, the one I loved. Before I tell you about high school and my last month as a freshman, I have to tell you all I had to pass before I got what I wanted. When 8th grade started we went to a camp. I was only with one of my friends, Tory. And Tory happened to have a best guy friend named Steve. And I have always thought of it as destiny; that Steve’s best friend was Lucas. So we made a little group of four in the camp. We spent 72 hours together. You would say maybe it was good for me, that way I had a chance to make Lucas want something with me, but actually it was bad. Because for the first time I realized I had a thing for Lucas. And even though Lucas hugged me in the most perfect way in a walk, in the night, in the woods like they put in the movies, didn’t mean I had him for forever. I have to say that after that hug he started liking me too. But I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. We wouldn’t talk, we wouldn’t walk together, the only thing we would do was look at each other. Make eye contact. Stop looking until the other one noticed. I have to say he made me shy. He was my kryptonite. And until now, I think he still is.

I did try to forget about him tons of times. But he would always notice, and would make me fall again. Giving a teddy bear in February, or sending me a cruel letter saying how I was the hidden face of the moon, or just by letting me noticed he couldn’t stop looking at me. This horrible feeling continued all freshmen year until May. I tried everything to take him out of my head. I changed class schedule when I had him in a class, I would avoid him in the hallway, I erased him from msn, everything. At the end, I was able to take him out of my mind, but never from my heart. He was everything, he was what I day dreamed of. He was my inspiration for waking up each morning. I would feel butterflies only by looking at him, and when it came to talk, I would stop breathing.

When May 4 came, I was close to New Jersey with Tory. Lucas was close to New Jersey with Steve. We met each other close to New Jersey. Tory and Steve discovered the love they had for each other. Lucas and I showed the love we had for each other by playing spin the bottle, in a Jacuzzi close to New Jersey. A second before kissing Lucas for the first time of many, I thought it was a dream. I thought I would wake up. I never thought I was going to be able to kiss Lucas Greave. But as my hands approached to his neck, his hands to my wrist, and my mouth got closer and closer to his I thought it was the most amazing dream I have ever had. When he touched my lips with his, I was in another world, I was not in a dream, I was not in the moon, I was in love, and I was kissing the love of my life. And from what I think; he saw it too. That is why on May 9th he asked me to be his girlfriend.

We dated for two years and one month. We broke up the 21 of June of 2010 the same day I felt in love again, or that’s what I thought. Don’t get me wrong. Those two years were amazing. I was the happiest girl. I could tell you every day of those two years, and it would be romantic, but also dramatic. We were complete opposites, I talked too much, and he didn’t speak at all. I was to open, he kept everything to himself. I laughed hard and loud, he laughed quietly and not so much. He knew how to lie, I couldn’t even say one lie, before I laughed or got nervous. It was that difference that brought us to the end, even though it was not the reason why I broke his heart.

There were three boys before he stopped protecting me. The first one went in my bus. He touched me; I touched him, still never the lips. I didn’t want anything with him, but he insisted and I was afraid to say no. It is the only thing I regret, because after that every time the guy was urged he would come to me, and try to do it again. I felt used. I tried to hide it. But Lucas found out, I was acting too weird for him not to notice. He forgave me; he knew I didn’t want anything with him. Still things changed, he stopped trusting me; he would get mad every time he saw me with a boy. He was right though.

Patrick was the name of the second boy. He liked me too. He was in my math and computer class. I dreamed about him. I dreamed I hooked up with him. After that dream I started liking him. Once again Lucas noticed. But still it wasn’t enough to make him leave me. He stopped trusting me even more, he started being possessive, like with my clothing, or if I drank in a party, or laughed with other boys that weren’t him. Still I didn’t notice that until I broke up.

When I thought no more guys will appear, when I thought about marrying Lucas, the third guy came. He was ugly. But the words that came out of his mouth were beautiful. He was interesting, he was a pilot. I can’t tell you why that is important, and why it called my attention so much, but it did. Daniel was his name, and I made a big show, telling so many people, I wanted to kiss him. Cheat on Lucas. In a rush I told the best friend of Lucas. Big mistake. Even though nothing happened with Daniel, everything happened with Lucas. He lost hopes; he got tired of chasing me. He started smoking, and he never told me. I found out two days after we broke up. He was not clingy anymore, he wanted to pass more time with his friends, when we talked by the phone, we would stopped talking in less than an hour when before we would talk three hours. Still we were together for four more months. They were great. More intense than ever. We had a sexual need for each other. We could never stop kissing it was like we were addicted to each other. But you know what they say about addictions, all in excess is bad. We were both tired of each other we Kept secrets from each other. Still I didn’t notice that until I broke up with him.

When summer came I was just expecting the type of summer I always had. Summer with family, not meeting anybody, just disconnecting of the world. But the summer of 2010 was different. I worked in the summer camp of my school as a counselor, like last summer. Still this year was different. I felt in love, again. Coincidence or not, he was a pilot too. He was strong he could carry me like if I was a feather. He told me things no other guy had told me before. His eyes were light brown, or green I have never been able to tell. But what I do know is that he didn’t need to say what he thought, his eyes would reflect it all. I really think that was what made me fall, because with Lucas I was never able to read his mind.

After I broke up with Lucas everybody got the gossip from Lucas. He was mad, mad at me. He told the world that I left him, for Erik. It was true but still it sounded so ugly. It made me looked like I was a witch, like if I was the bad one in the story. I was not the only one who thought that of course, a lot of people did, including Erik. He spoke to Lucas about it. Erik told my ex that he didn’t want anything with me, bros before whose. And that made me feel so stupid. Still, like I have always said… Never give up and even more when it comes to love. After a week of ignoring him, he finally spoke to me. He told me he liked me, but he didn’t want to get attached. I didn’t agree, and I should have.

I kept insisting till I got it. He came to me one day, one week before I left, and two weeks before he left to London. He told me “Bernadette, you did so well your job, that I can’t hide it anymore, I want you, and you just don’t know what you got yourself into”. I really didn’t know. But I didn’t care I was so happy. I finally was going to have the summer love I always wanted to have. Still it was not even close to what I thought it would be. It was better. We hooked up, I felt hypnotized. Still I was scared because every day it passed it meant one less day of him. The two years I was with Lucas will never compare with the two weeks I was with Erik. The first kiss with Lucas was nothing compared to Erik’s kiss. When we first kiss… my heart stopped beating, I stopped living for a second, and then I came to life again, but this time more alive. We were in our work break; we were in a classroom, all alone with the lights off. We were in the floor laying down looking at each other. We were talking but there was a pause, an awkward moment, I knew what was going to happened he did too. We kissed, we kissed again, and we kept kissing until it was time to go to work again.

When the last day of me in New York came, it was my birth day. I invited all the counselors to my house including Lucas, yes he was a counselor too, and yes I flirted with Erik in front of him. That is why he never tried to stop me; he was tired of me wanting to be with other men. And this time I took it to another level. Still Lucas was not a saint either. He lied to me for 4 months. After what happened with Daniel he started smoking, I know I sound stupid and obsessive but it wasn’t the fact that he was smoking it was the fact that he never told me. He hid it. He told me he didn’t understand the people that did it, that they were stupid. He was a hypocrite. That’s when I stopped carrying about what I did to him. Because of that lie, we lost communication we lost trust. And even though Erik was the last drop before the water felt out of the glass, that lie made the glass full.

The lie did not break my heart… what broke my heart was the fact that in my birth day after the things that had happened, and after Lucas had told the world I was a bitch. He went as a rebound with another girl. They made out in my house the day of birth day. And I had to act like I didn’t care. It was a good idea because later I found out he only told everybody about his kiss just to see my reaction of it. I was really mad, but confused. I couldn’t do anything. I was on a cruise and he in San Francisco. I was with Erik, Lucas was with Paige. So I didn’t see him for a month, which did not help at all. I just felt more curious of the reason why he didn’t tell me he smoked. A month later, the same day he told me I was going to have a huge wrinkle for smiling too much, he told me he did not have an answer for his horrible lie. He just didn’t feel the need to tell me. That should’ve pissed me off more but in that moment I couldn’t stop thinking; what if I kiss him right now, what if I tell him I want to go back to him, what if I tell him I still love him. But of course I couldn’t do that, I was with Erik now, even though he was in London we were together.

Every day for three months, Erik and I talked more than two hours by facebook chat. Time would pass so quickly when I was talking to him and so slow when I wasn’t. Every day it passed I would noticed how poorly I knew Erik, and every day it passed I was less sure if what I did, breaking up, was the right thing to do. All the time Erik and I would talk didn’t make me forget Lucas. I had him in yearbook class, and I would always feel the need to go and talk to him. I would feel so nervous; I would feel like if 8th grade was repeating all over again. Every time I would talk with Lucas I wouldn’t stop laughing, I would forget everything, and everyone surrounding me, I would only think about Lucas, and the moments we spent together and how stupid I was to break up with him. Still I didn’t say anything to anyone, I pretended Erik’s love. I thought it was the best thing I could do.

On September 3 2010, Erik came to New York. He waited for me outside of school I saw him for three exact hours. They were amazing. I was the happiest girl, we kissed, and we remembered summer. I forgot about Lucas again. Erik told me everything about London. I didn’t tell him everything about New York. I skipped the fact that while he was gone, I kissed two guys. After he left, I felt better. Not sad, or confused anymore, I felt good, like if everything came to normal again. But it didn’t last long. It was until the next party which was three weeks later when something completely out of my plans happened.

As usual I went to the party with my friends, when we got there Lucas was just in the door. I said hi to him. At first it was so casual, so normal. Like if nothing had happened between us. But it took an hour for him too drink too much, I don’t know why but he came to me. Telling me things I couldn’t understand. He was really not in a good condition. I took out my phone and dialed his house number. I still knew it. I didn’t even hesitate, it was so natural. His sister answered, I tried to act cool, but I was too afraid. I told her to pass me her mom, she did. Lucas’s mom answer so worried. I told her she needed to come for Lucas immediately. She told me she was on her way. I took Lucas outside I sat with him in the lonely street. There were only more drunk girls, with high heels and slutty dresses puking all over. Lucas felt asleep, he placed his head on my legs, and I started passing my hand through his hair. I wanted to give him a kiss, and I wanted to yield at him. But I couldn’t I was not his girlfriend anymore. When Lucas’s mom came she came with luca’s father. I had to say hi to both of them, and tell them what happened. I didn’t want to stay in the party anymore, and Lucas’s mom read my mind. She insisted me to go with them, to their house at 12 o clock. I did, I told my mom to go for me, but she was in a dinner, and also she needed to go first for my brother. So I stayed a while at Lucas’s house, with Lucas’s parents. We chatted while Lucas was sleeping. I felt something familiar; I felt comfortable which was weird, because for the two years I was with Lucas I never felt comfortable in his house. After two hours and a half my parents picked me up. I was so confused I didn’t know what to feel in that moment. Still nothing happened after all.

October passed, and then November came. I was in physics class; I was trying to do the class work, when I heard a familiar voice. I didn’t react to it. But when the teacher said “Erik” my head turned so quickly. I saw Erik, my Erik. I wasn’t supposed to see him until the end of November. I ran to him and hugged him. The bell rang five minutes later, he took me to his house, and I met his mother. She was the nicest mom I have ever met. I felt free to say whatever. I didn’t feel shy. I couldn’t stop laughing or talking. I was there for five hours. I felt like I was in my house, I never thought I could feel so good in the house of the boy a liked. Erik took me to my house I said goodbye, and I when I got to my house, my mom the first thing she said was “Is he really back? I wanted you to go back with Lucas” I felt so bad. I didn’t talk to my mom for a week.

I didn’t stop talking to her because of the fact that she didn’t like Erik .I really didn’t care about that. It was more because after five months of Lucas and me not being together, she was still in love with him, and still expected me to be. The worst part of her comment was that I remembered Lucas, and the two years we were together. I started noticing him in class; I had forgotten he was in two of my classes. I started speaking to him again. After what happened in the party I was so mad at him, that we stopped talking.

In thanks giving I was going to Spain to start seeing the Universities, because that was where I wanted to study for college. Erik told me his uncle was flying the airplane I was going to, so he wanted me to meet his uncle, for me to be able to enter the cabin and be in business class. I went to his thanksgiving dinner. I not only met his uncle but the whole family. They were nice to me, I had a great time, and I really felt part of Erik’s family. Still it was really weird, because we weren’t boyfriend, girlfriend, we weren’t really dating. He didn’t want to. Because just in two months maybe he was going to have to go to Houston to fly airplanes so he didn’t want to get attach. But we were more attached than ever. We would talk by the phone for three hours straight; we would go out three days from the week, and the three days of weekend. He also met my family, and they loved him. Still my mom didn’t, she saw more than everybody did, even more than me.

After my week in Spain, I saw Erik the day I came back. He was weird, quite. I asked him if something was wrong, but he say no. Then he pretended to be ok. That same day I talked to his sister. She told me, thinking I already knew, that he was hired, and he was going to Houston in January. I didn’t know what to think, or what do. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t need to. The next day it was a Wednesday, 3rd. When the bell rang, I came out from my physics class. I went to my locker when I noticed it was full of petal roses. I looked around I didn’t see Erik. When I opened my locker there was a little box. I felt like I was going to be proposed. Then I felt someone covering my eyes. I touched the hands and immediately, I knew it was Erik I turned and hugged him. He took the box and opened it. It was a charm of the letter E. He took my necklace I had that we made together back in the summer. He replaced the charm it had, with the letter E. Then he showed me his neck. He had one equal to mine but with an A charm. Then he told me he got hired. I acted like if I didn’t know. I hugged him and told him congratulations. Then he told me that the reason for the whole romantic moment was because he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I of course said yes, without thinking of the consequences. When I told my mom she got mad at me telling me what stupid girl I was. In that moment I thought she was the worst mom I could ever have, but now I realize she did know the consequences.

December passed so quickly it was fool of memorable moments. We laughed, we cried, and we said goodbye. January came and I was back in school. My schedule changed, it changed for good. I had no more classes with Lucas. I felt tranquil again. I didn’t feel observed, or having to pretend I didn’t care if he was there or not. Still that didn’t last for long. I had him in physics. They ended up changing my schedule because it was wrong. But even though I had two math classes in my other schedule it didn’t seem as wrong as my new schedule and having a class with Lucas. The worst part of that class is that I didn’t have any friends in it and neither did he. So we sat together. He was still my comfort zone.

It was until February 12 I was able to see Erik. He only came to see me because it was Valentine’s Day. Still he could only stay two days, so we didn’t spent Valentines together. I spent it with Lucas. Don’t get me wrong it was necessary. We had to do a physics project it was due one day after Valentine’s and both of us were too scared to invite or tell the other to stay in afterschool to do it. So that is why he had to come to my house. I can only say, I had never seen my mom so happy, I was so mad; I wanted to kick him out and bring Erik. Still in a way I was happy too. It was like if we never broke up. We were laughing making fun of each other. Me, of course doing the project, Lucas just staring. I got mad at him because of that, he got angry with me too because I was giving too much instructions. We started screaming to each other. In a second we weren’t fighting for the project anymore, we were fighting for our love. He told I was stupid to be with Erik, that he was going to cheat on me. He told me that I knew that our thing was never gone. And he was right. But I denied I told him it was his fault that he brought us to an end. He started crying and I got even madder. I didn’t know what do or what to feel. I saw Erik’s smile in my head, but at the same time I saw my whole life with Lucas by my side. I stared at him, he did too. He came closer, so close I could see the red veins of his eyes. He gave more steps. He closed his eyes. He moved his mouth closer to mine, and waited for me to do the next step. As a reflect I held the necklace with the letter E. That is when I realized how I couldn’t do this to Erik. So, I pushed Lucas away. I told him to leave. I started crying and crying. I couldn’t help it. I tried to be discrete but I couldn’t. My mom heard me. She came I thought I could rely on her, but then she said the worst words she could ever say. “I told you so”.

It was until one week before prom that I forgave her. Which is weird because normally I forgive very fast, but that really hurt me. Meanwhile I kept seeing Erik, every two weeks he would come to see me, we would spent Friday, Saturday, Sunday together, then on Monday he would take me to school and then we would have to say goodbye. Every goodbye felt like forever. I could never stop thinking what if he finds someone else. I don’t know if he cheated on me on those months, but I didn’t want to be the first to have that guilt. I changed my schedule so that I didn’t have any class with Lucas. At the end it did work. We stopped having any kind communication I even erased him on facebook. I stopped talking to his friends and it was hard because two of them were my best friends. I avoided him on the hallways and I erased all photos, songs everything that could remind me of him. For a moment I thought I was ok, I thought I was happy, I thought everything could be just the way I wanted it to be.

Prom came, I got accepted in Spain. I was going to leave a week after prom. It was prom when I noticed that everything was coming to an end. No more high school, no more calculus or physics. No more lockers. I was going to miss my friends, my life as a high schooler, and of course I was worried of what was going to happen with Erik because he is not going to be able to travel every two weeks to see me in Spain. There were so many things to think and consider, and make a decision that I didn’t even remember the rest of my years of high school, until I saw the video. I appeared in sophomore year with Lucas. We looked so happy, so in love. Erik saw it too; he got jealous but still didn’t say anything. After that picture I decided to say goodbye to him, because even though our thing was supposed to be over a year ago, it didn’t feel that way. He was in his table with his whole family. I told Erik I needed a time with Lucas. He agreed and went with my friends. I went to Lucas’s table said hi to all the family and then told Lucas to come and talk to me. It was very awkward I didn’t really know what to say, neither did him. We decided to dance. It was a slow song. It was ironic the song we danced, is called “I’ll be ok”. It talked about how a boy found another girl, and the girl is letting him go. But in our case it was backwards. We danced the whole song we didn’t say a word, we just stared at each other. When it was over we stopped dancing but we didn’t move from the dance floor. A pop song started, but we didn’t move, a lot of people came to dance, but I saw nobody. We got closer. He gave a kiss on the lips. I lingered. I didn’t want to let go. A tear felt down my cheek I hugged him. I told him I was going to miss him. We moved out from the middle of the dance floor and took me with Erik. “Take care of her” Lucas said. They gave a hug too. I really couldn’t believe this was the end, but it really did feel like it.

That night I didn’t go to my house. I stayed in a hotel room with Erik. You can imagine what happened. It was not the first time I had done it with him. The first time was in the gymnastics room in the school when we were working in the summer. It was weird and unexpected. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that it took me a month to do it with Erik and with Lucas it took me a year. Lucas was my first one. We did it in my house, and that same day I learned how to ride a bike. I can’t say who was better at it. One was more romantic that the other one. With Lucas, we didn’t know what we were doing. With Erik, he knew what he was doing. I guess I will never forget those two times, because those two guys were the only two guys that I have ever loved and have done it with.

A week after prom I left New York City and took a plane to Salamanca, Spain. Erik came with me, he told his parents he was going to visit his sister, but in reality he just wanted to spend a little more time with me. I have to say it was the funniest trip I have ever made. We didn’t sleep at all, we couldn’t stop laughing, and remembering things from summer and the whole year we spent together. When we got to Spain, he helped me decorate my dorm. In a piece of wood in the floor he did a funny cartoon, then took the piece of wood and in the other side of it he wrote “Ber: I will always love you, Erik”. He told me I couldn’t see it, that I had to forget about it and that someday accidentally I would remember and see it, and remember everything we lived together. I placed a mat there purposely so I would really forget. It did work.

It was until one day after two months when I decided I needed to clean the floor of my room. I’m allergic to dust, so it was necessary because before I couldn’t stop sneezing. I moved the mat, and saw the little funny cartoon. I observed it; it was an ugly bug’s bunny. I took the piece of wood and looked at the other part, I read the message over and over again, and I thought maybe I will go to the past. I tried to call him but I was too afraid, I felt so bad. Instead I called my parents, before that it was the second time I called them in two months. My mom was so happy for me to call, but at the same time so bad that I haven’t called. She told me she wanted me come home for Christmas so I decided to do that. I took a plane, it was funny though. The captain of the plane was Erik’s uncle. I went to say hi to him. We talked for a long time. He told me how he changed after I left, and that he was sure that if I called him, he would forgive for not talking to him for so long. He gave Erik’s number from his new apartment. He got a better job in Ohio. He’s uncle also told me that Erik was going to pass Christmas in New York, so I could see him.

I didn’t. I tried once. He didn’t answer; I didn’t have the guts to try again. I took so long to understand why I wasn’t able to call him again. It was four years later when I understood. I came back to New York in summer. I was in my sit when the captain started speaking. “Hello, welcome aboard, I’m Erik Wright, and I’m going to be your captain for today. Enjoy your flight” I was shocked I couldn’t believe it; I didn’t know what to do. It took me an hour to decide. I told the flight attendant, to ask him if he wanted to see me. It took another hour for the flight attendant to come for me. I walked through the hall with her; she asked me how I knew him. I told her we had history together. She knocked then she opened the door, said something, and then opened it all. There he was, he looked so big, and mature. He looked so handsome with his pilot suit. I didn’t know what to do smile, or just say hi. He stood up from his sit and came to me. “Bernadette Fear, I can’t believe is you” he hugged me. I felt so happy that I let go of some tears. He asked me if I was dating someone, I told him no. He asked me if I had forgotten about our love. I said no. So, then he placed his hands on my cheeks got closer to me. “I have been waiting for this moment so long” he said a second before kissing me. I felt like if I was in movie, the perfect kind of one. In that flight he was able to make his sexual fantasy true. I knew it was because once he had to say it in a truth or dare game.

For two weeks, every day I saw him. We told each other about our life, about the four years. He told me about his girlfriends, and I told him about my guys. Still I noticed there wasn’t any serious thing with any of his girl or my guys. Now I was 24 years old. He was 25 years old. I was single he was single. I was back in New York to stay. He was now traveling once every two weeks. So we started dating again. I started my specialty in education, and at the same time I found a job in a kinder. I t was perfect because I would get out from the kinder at 12 o clock, then I would go to study and at 3 o clock I was free. I would eat with Erik when he was in New York the other days with my family. Sometimes Erik would come and eat with my family, and also me with his family. My mom finally got to accept him; I guess she understood how I really loved him.

My life was perfect everything was just so good. Erik made me so happy. We would be together all the time. If someone would ask me about my future I would see him, as my husband. I knew he was going to be the father of my kids. Still there was a point when I started doubting it. Ann Grieve was the name of the little girl that made me doubt. She was in my class from kinder. She would always get late to class, and I would never see her mom or dad. The first time she told me her name I thought about Lucas Grieve. I wanted to ask her about her dad, but in that moment I just didn’t want to know.

The public class came, and all the parents came to the kinder. All parents, except for Ann’s parents. It was until it ended that the uncle appeared. I cleaning the room waiting for someone to pick up Ann, and then I felt someone touching my shoulder. I turned around and saw Lucas. I jumped I got scared I could speak, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t laugh. I was catatonic. He was just laughing he knew I was Ann’s teacher. I could believe that in five years, he had a four year old daughter. He hugged me, I tried to hug him too, but I just couldn’t believe it. He invited me for a coffee but I said no I needed to go to class. He insisted that after class. That was when I asked him about his wife. He told me he didn’t have one, and that Ann was not his daughter but her niece. Her mom died when she was born, and Lucas was the only one able to care of her. Still I said no. I told him about Erik, he couldn’t believe it. He told me how he thought I was going to forget about Erik in seconds. I guess that’s what he wanted.

That year was the worst year of my life but at the same time I never thought I would have enjoy it so much. I had two men. Both so in love with me. Me confused. Erik was so opened, so funny, outgoing. I would never get bored. He was all the time surprising me, giving me flowers, saying the cutest things ever. But on the other side, Lucas would come all the time for Ann, he would stay outside looking at me giving class. Ann started getting on time, and even earlier so Lucas and I could talk, he made me laughed so much, he didn’t change. He was still smoking, but he was still quite, and preserved. They were so different they were opposites. What I didn’t like about Lucas, Erik didn’t have it. What I wanted Erik to have, Lucas had it. There was a point when I wished I could have both.

On May 9th I officially became the worst person on earth. Erik was flying to Spain. I didn’t have classes that day. Lucas was an hour late for Ann. I was mad at him so he told me as a way to say sorry to go and eat lunch with him. I did. We went to a restaurant named Asia. In that same restaurant we passed our two anniversaries when we dated in high school. It was not a coincidence of course. He did on purpose. He was late on purpose. He even chose the date on purpose. May 9th of 2008, Lucas Grieve asked me to be his girlfriend. Now May 9th 2016 he asked me to marry him.

Don’t get too excited I said no. I stopped working at the kinder, and never talked to him again. It wasn’t because of the fact that he proposed me, or that I even hesitated for a moment. But it was because even though I said no, he didn’t give up. He didn’t get to marry me but he did get to kiss me, very intense. I cheated on Erik, and I never regretted it.

I told Erik of course. He stopped dating me. We lost communication, and I felt lost. I had no one, but at the same time I didn’t want to have anyone. I felt so guilty. I hurt the only two guys that ever truly loved me. I played with them. I made them think I was the one. My life changed so much that year. I changed my hairstyles my clothing, my attitude everything. I started being more successful. I expanded my world. I was hired to work in special school for kids with mental problems; I was winning the triple form what I got to have in the kinder. I didn’t date anyone that year. And I’m sure that if Erik wouldn’t have approached to me on March 12 I wouldn’t have dated anyone for a long time.

I was in the park running as usual. I was almost over when a man approached to me jogging. When I looked I saw it was Erik. Immediately I stopped running. I smiled I told him what was he doing here. He told he just moved from his old apartment and that he was being seeing me run for like two weeks. He told he couldn’t ignore the fact that we were practically neighbors. Also he explained how he didn’t want to talk to me, but that a day before that day and old lady caught him looking at me. He told the story, and the old lady told him how it was destiny. Then Erik remembered how I would always say “if we are meant to be together, we’ll meet again in the future” I guess I was right. We couldn’t stop bumping into each other. First in summer, then in an airplane and now we were neighbors.

We ran together for fifty years. We raised together four amazing kids. Erik Jr, George, Isabella, and Regina. I chose the name Regina, just for one reason, Lucas. He loved that name. When we were small we promised to name our daughter Regina. Even though we didn’t have the same kids, we both named one of our daughters Regina. The reason why I know he named like that his daughter it’s because I saw him in the 50th reunion with his wife. She was so pretty and perfect for him. Lucas looked handsome, but still the same adolescent who made my life go crazy for so long. Thanks to Lucas I found my true love, and thanks to Lucas I didn’t spend one day alone of my life. I love Erik with all my heart, and I’m so happy I married him. Still I will never be able to forget Lucas. He took my heart in high school, and then he gave it back but took a little part of it with him, and he replaced that part with a piece of his heart. That is the reason, the only reason I can think of, because in a normal life, in a normal woman, she only finds one true love. But in my case I didn’t. I found two. The only reason why I stayed with Erik was because destiny brought us together. That doesn’t mean I don’t think of Lucas anymore, that doesn’t mean that I don’t ask myself “what if I hadn’t stop talking to Lucas, what if that summer when I met Erik, I would have broken up with Lucas” would he still be together? Would I be Ann’s mother? Would I be writing this question about Erik instead of Lucas?

No. My life happened the way it needed to. Erik is the love of my life. The man that changed my life. The man that made every dream of mine come true. The man that I gave my whole heart to. The man that made me forget about any care in the world. The man that made me smile every second. The man that is ride beside me, waiting for me to save the word document, turn off the computer, and kiss him, for us to sleep one more time from many together. I’m Bernadette Fear, and I’m convinced that life is love even though I don’t even know what love is.